New Tries

Acne & Scar Care

I have always struggled on and off with acne and acne scarring. I also have the horrible habit of picking at my face. So to help my acne, I started a Korean beauty program. It’s a ten step program that has helped me clear up my acne. The routine is below.74e5a0acd4fcd5536b8603dcf43e5036

You don’t have to do all 10 steps every time, only do the steps that your skin needs. For example, if you have oily skin, only do the sleeping pack or the cream. Also don’t exfoliate if there is nothing really to exfoliate.

So if you look at the photo below, you can see my acne. Granted, I have make up on but they are still clear to see.


But at the same time, I would have pretty clear skin. This photo was taken around a year ago.


After my birth control rod started running out, I started to get acne everywhere. Once I started the Korean skincare program, my face cleared up! Downside is I have an ungodly amount of acne scars. I wanted to try to treat them naturally so I went straight to the internet. I found this website that has many ways to help scarring with things you might already have around the house. I’ll leave the link HERE.

So on February 20th, 2018, I chose to do the lemon where you just put some juice on the scars and wait a couple minutes and the coconut oil where you massage lukewarm oil into your skin for 10 minutes and leave it there for an hour. Here is what I looked like right after I put it on.

Then after a little over an hour later, this is is how my face looked.

I can see that my face is not as red. It’s not a big change but I think if I continue doing this every day my redness will clear up. I’ll continue to show my progress as it happens, so stay tuned!


The Truth about Hate Groups

Since the terrible events in Charlottesville, hate groups have been the talk of the news. They give statistics on hate groups growth in the states and report numbers of groups in total. What they do is take the stats as a whole and zoom into the parts that make their story. What I want to do is share the entire facts.

Let’s start with listing the hate groups that are active today:

  • Ku Klux Klan– black Americans are usually primarily their target, they also attacked Jews, immigrants, homosexuals, and Catholics
  • Neo-Nazi– the Jews are their cardinal enemy but they also hate other minorities, homosexuals, and even Christians.
  • White nationalists– believe that all other races are inferior to the white race. Ku Klux Klan, neo-Confederate, neo-Nazi, racist Skinhead, and Christian Identity can also be described as white nationalists.
  • Racist skinhead– Skinheads are migratory and often not affiliated with groups. They are the violent element of the white supremacist movement.
  • Christian Identity– they are fundamentally racist and anti-Semitic. They believe Jews descended from Satan and non- whites are seen as soulless “mud-people.” Neo-Nazi Aryan Nations and several Klan groups share the same beliefs.
  • Neo-confederate– they want to revive many of the racist principles of the antebellum south.
  • Black separatist– strongly anti-white and anti-Semitic. Oppose integration and interracial marriage, and want separate institutions or a separate nation for blacks.
  • Anti-LGBT– “Anti-LGBT groups engage in crude name-calling and disseminate disparaging propaganda and falsehoods about this population, such as the claim that gay men molest children at vastly higher rates than straight men.”
  • Anti-Muslim– Anti-Muslim groups exhibit extreme hostility towards Muslims and believe Islam’s followers have an inherent set of negative traits.
  • General hate– “These organizations are subdivided into anti-immigrant, hate music, Holocaust denial, and radical traditional Catholic groups”

Now that they have been listed and given a short description, I’ll give you facts provided by Southern Poverty Law Center. All facts are from 2016.

There were 130 ku klux klan groups nationwide in 2016. This number of groups have actually decreased since 2015 from 190. They estimate 5,000 and 8,000 Klan members are spread out nationwide.

There were 99 neo-nazi groups nationwide in 2016. The most visible neo-nazi group is the national alliance and was lead by William Pierce until he passed away.

There was 100 white nationalist groups nationwide in 2016. The groups can range from ones who use racial slurs and calls for violence to ones that present themselves as serious, non-violent, and academically sound. “the largest white nationalist group in America has been the Council of Conservative Citizens”

There were 78 racist skinhead groups nationwide in 2016. This number has decreased since 2012 from 138 groups. Here are someone the things skin heads have done: “In November 1988, three skinheads in Portland, Ore., beat an Ethiopian student named Mulugeta Seraw to death with baseball bats. In April 1999, a Mexican immigrant named Irineo Soto Aguilar was murdered in Lakeside, Calif., by three skinheads who crushed his skull with chunks of concrete. In October 2007, a skinhead strangled a 62-year-old gay man in Oklahoma City as a rite of passage in his gang.”

There were 21 Christian identity groups nationwide in 2016. This number has slightly increased from 19 groups from 2015 but has decreased from 55 groups from 2011. Even though it’s nominally Christian, it owes little to even the most conservative Protestants. Their interaction with Christians is hostile.

43 neo-confederate groups were documented nationwide in 2016. This number has increased slowly from 30 groups in 2012. They incorporate traditional gender roles, are hostile towards democracy, strongly against homosexuality, favors segregation and suggests white supremacy.

In 2016, 193 black separatist groups were documented nationwide. This number has risen considerably from 113 in 2014. “a number of religious versions assert that blacks — not Jews — are the Biblical “chosen people” of God.””Although the Southern Poverty Law Center recognizes that much black racism in America is, at least in part, a response to centuries of white racism, it believes racism must be exposed in all its forms.””if we seek to expose white hate groups, we cannot be in the business of explaining away the black ones.” It applies to all groups regardless of color. The biggest example is the group Nation of Islam led by Louis Farrakhan.

There have been 101 anti-LGBT groups documented nationwide in 2016. They believed that “the LGBT rights movement and its so-called “homosexual agenda” are the prime culprits in the destruction of American society and culture.” “Many of its leaders have engaged in the crudest type of name-calling, describing LGBT people as “perverts” with “filthy habits” who seek to snatch the children of straight parents and “convert” them to gay sex.”

In 2016, 101 anti-Muslim groups were documented nationwide. This number has risen dramatically from 34 known groups in 2015. “Muslims are depicted as irrational, intolerant and violent, and their faith is frequently depicted as sanctioning pedophilia, coupled with intolerance for homosexuals and women.”

There were 100 documented general hate groups nationwide in 2016. “This list includes a “Jewish” group that is rabidly anti-Arab, a “Christian” group that is anti-Catholic and a polygamous “Mormon” breakaway sect that is racist.”

Looking at facts, their are more black separatist groups then any other group, but when combined, there are 471 groups nationwide that are against very race besides whites. There are 664 groups whom are anti-Semitic (against Jews). There are 551 groups against homosexuals. There are 917 groups in total.

I can’t tell you what to take from this information but I do encourage that you reflect of it. I will say that violence of any kind is not okay. Combating hate and racism is through education and being everything these groups say we are not. We change the lack of equality buy treating everyone around you as equal. No matter what they look like, the color of their skin, and the religion they have.


10 Reasons to Stan A.C.E.

A.C.E is a rookie group that debuted on May 22, 2017. With five members: Jun, Wow, Jason, Donghun, and Chan, they dominated the comeback stages with their single Cactus. They have just announced their comeback and fans could not be more hyped! Here are 10 reasons to stan A.C.E.!

1. The short shorts!

For their performance outfits, they wore a variety of different short shorts!

2. They did dance covers to big Kpop names.

Before debut the filmed different dance covers to Kpop groups like BTS:


And Seventeen:

3. They have amazing singing and rapping abilities.

Here’s one of their vocal covers of Blackpink’s Stay and John Legend’s All Of Me.

4. They are all about busking.

Before and after debut, busking has been something these boys do well. Check out their zombie project that they choreographed themselves:

And look at them busking with their song Cactus:

5. They broke a record before debut

They broke the record of having the most YouTube subscribers to a trainee group.

Screen Shot 2017-10-10 at 6.36.07 PM

6. They take so many pictures together

They are truly a group that enjoys spending time together.

7. They recreated their song Cactus in English

Because so many of their fans speak English, they decided to sing Cactus in English!

8. They have pet cacti

Now how can anyone not find this adorable?


9. They look amazing in photo shoots

There are no words. Just check out these amazing photos.

10. They just announced their comeback!

Follow them on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook for more updates and cute pictures of them.



Soures: (1) (2)

Chronic illness

Getting A Port: What I didn’t know

So I got the port and let it heal. I have just started IV treatments at home. And through out this whole process I have learned things that I didn’t know before. Things that I couldn’t easily find on the internet.

Like the fact that a doctor has to refer you to a surgeon before you do anything. I know that may sound obvious but the process of getting the referral was not so easy for me. I started by asking my neurologist what she thought of me getting IV treatment. She continued to tell me that I should be drinking the 2 liters of water everyday on my own. At the time, I was struggling with eating one meal a day. I was so nauseous and fatigued all the time that I couldn’t keep myself awake for more then 5 hours a day.

I was hoping that this last solution would actually help me, even in the slightest. My neurologist didn’t believe in IV treatment. She wanted me to do everything necessary for getting better on my own. But she was only looking at the POTS. She didn’t understand that I have 9 other things effecting my health as well. She agreed to let me try it. Then she saw it was helping so she agreed to me getting the port.

(I’ve had many problems with my neurologist. Not thinking it was important if I was tested for EDS because “you can’t do anything about it anyway.” Her thinking that my treatment I receive from her is making me better and healing me. Even though she’s only treating me for POTS and migraines. Also thinking I shouldn’t be put on disability because I’m too young and I’m “getting better.” She doesn’t want me to be on it forever and I don’t want to either. But I’m 20 not able to go to school or get any job. I need assistance and if I do get it, I hope that I can get to the point where disability is no longer needed. Right now it is very needed. I didn’t know that dealing with doctors would be so difficult.)

I also didn’t know that, once approved, the surgery would be scheduled so fast. I went from getting approval to going to surgery in the matter of a week or so.

I also didn’t know that I would be awake during the surgery.

After prepping the day before by not eating or taking my medication the day of, I got to the hospital. The nurse went over everything I needed to know or let him know. He told me how to take care of it and let me feel a tester so I would know how it would feel under my skin. He made everything very easy. Once the doctor came in to introduce himself, he let me know that they would be giving me something to make me a little loopy and that the site would be numbed. I went in with oxygen and a hair net. The exposed my top half, just until right under my breasts. So yes I was exposed for a short time. But they put blue sheets over me making a square around the place where the port was to be placed and the bottom of my neck. They covered me in blue disinfectant that took days to come off. The doctor gave me the shots to make it numb and told me to look in the opposite direction. I only felt the pressure from him pushing the port in and the pressure of him pushing the catheter into my artery. In less then an hour it was over and I was at home icing and popping Tylenol.

The healing process took longer due to my EDS but once it was over we had a nurse come. I didn’t know that when getting fluids through a port, I would have a needle in the port for the whole time. They put the needle in and it stays there for a week. They come back after a week and take out the needle and then replace it with another one.

So I will have a needle in me until I decide to stop getting fluids. I will also have the patch over it with the tube.

I also didn’t know that I would be setting up the equipment and giving myself fluids.

Yes this is me in my home getting fluids. I hooked myself up and everything. There is a service that gives you everything you need each week. A nurse comes in, inserts the needle and teaches you and who ever would be setting it up how to do everything. The nurse taught me, my mom and my caregiver. The nurse then comes back in a week to change out my needle.

If you have any questions feel free to comment or ask me through social media!



So this past Friday I went through surgery to implant a port. It will help me get fluids that I need to have to feel better.

It’s a catheter that goes under my skin and it goes into my vein near my heart.

They can use it to draw blood, give medicine, and IV fluids. Hopefully I’ll be feeling a bit better once treatment starts!



I’d always drive over on a Tuesday.

Volume dialed to 26,

humming foreign languages.

Breathlessly making my way up

those stairs.

Taking my place on your

velvet orange retro couch.

The couch sagged on the left

from the sleepover nights.

The wear of laughing fits

and group cuddles.

The sagging fabric on the left

is our proof of life.

My proof of life.

One that took 20 years

for me to find,

because a pulse just wasn’t enough.


Questions for the Healthy

I have so many questions for healthy people. I want to ask them and see what’s normal and what’s not.

  1. What does it feel like to not feel tired?
  2. What is it like to eat without nauseousness?
  3. When you wake up, how long does it take before you can sit up?
  4. How long can you stand before you need to sit down?
  5. What is it like not having to take medication all the time?
  6. Do you like the cold or the heat more?
  7. What are some things you like to do that don’t involve watching tv or being on the phone?
  8. What is it like to be independent?
  9. What is it like to have a job?
  10. Is walking easy for you?
  11. What position do you sleep in?
  12. How many times a year do you go to the doctor or hospital?
  13. What is it like to sit up quickly and not get dizzy or faint?
  14. What do you think of people like me?
  15. Would you date someone like me?
  16. How many surgeries have you had?
  17. Does Aleve really work?
  18. How often do you throw up?
  19. What is your pain level at normally? 1-10?
  20. Do your doctors know you personally?
  21. How are your periods like?

What does it feel like when people touch you?

I may have more but I can’t think of them. But I would love to know the answers!


My Favorite KPOP Songs

(links to Spotify)

For my whole playlist: Click Here!

Silver Spoon – BTS

BAE BAE – BigBang

ZUTTER – GD & T.O.P. (BigBang)

Not Today – BTS

Intro: Boy Meets Evil – BTS

Butterfly – BTS

Awake – BTS

All I Wanna Do – Jay Park


Monster – EXO

Up & Down – EXID

Ice cream cake – Red Velvet

Ah yeah – EXID

Lucky One – EXO

Hate – 4 Minute

Sober – BigBang

Hero – Monsta X


One of a Kind – G-DRAGON

Overdose – EXO

Follow me – Topp Dogg

BTS Cypher PT.3: Killer

Boys and Girls – Zico

Toy – Block B

Chained up – VIXX

Cherry Bomb – NCT 127

Me Like Yuh – Jay Park

The Eve – EXO

Black Out – VIXX

Fantasy – VIXX

Desperate – VIXX

Dynamite – VIXX

Don’t Wanna Cry – Seventeen

Swimming Fool – Seventeen

HIGHLIGHT – Seventeen

Fronting – Seventeen

OMG – Seventeen

Q&A – Seventeen

ToDay – JJCC

Where you at – JJCC

Insomnia – JJCC


Baby Baby – WINNER

Her – Block B

Yesterday – Block B

Mental Breaker – Block B

Stuck – Monsta X

RUSH – Monsta X

So, Dangerous – UP10TION

OMGT – Madtown

Energetic – Wanna One

Artist – Zico

(Untitled, 2014) – G-DRAGON

Yacht (K) – Jay Park

Shake it – SISTAR


Going Crazy – EXO (Chinese version)

The 7th Sense – NCT U

Fire truck – NCT 127

0 Mile – NCT 127

Make it Rain – BASTARZ (Block B)

Press your number – Taemin (Shinee)

I am you, you are me – Zico

Young & Free – Xiumin (EXO) & Mark (NCT)

Eat – Zion.T

Beautiful Liar – VIXX LR

1 of 1 – Shinee

View – Shinee

Sherlock – Shinee

Paradise Lost – Galn


Strange – MASC

Tina – MASC


Eureka – Zico

Who you? – Simon D, ONE, G2, Be Why

Dumb & Dumber – iKON

Bomb – Ravi

Trick or Treat – Grace

Okey dokey – Mino, Zico

Power – EXO


No Mercy – B.A.P (Japanese version)

Please, if you have a favorite song not listed, let me know!


My Personal Disappointment

I am going to share some recent and not so recent events in my life that keep leaving me disappointed.

As I have talked about before, I was molested when I was 13. I’m not sure that I have talked about my family’s involvement in those events. Months beforehand, my cousin, who was 9 at the time, experienced the exact same from the same man. Mel had not only molested her, he had exposed himself to her. After him doing that, my cousin went to her mom, my aunt Cindy, and told her what he had done. My aunt proceeded to not believe her. Then after what happened to me, she finally was faced with the truth.

The years after we’re full of us trying to forgive. Forgive Mel, forgive Cindy. Forgive Mel for hurting us and to forgive Cindy for putting a man above her family. We managed to come to that point. I love my aunt Cindy. She has grown and she has taken care of me. But her living situation has not changed as much as it should have. She still has let men live in her house. She has one living there now.

Chris is my uncles childhood friend. He lives with Cindy. During his stay there, cindy has grown to care for him as they help one another. During this time, my mom and I were letting my uncle live with us as he was trying to recover from alcoholism. He had relapsed many times and we had given him many chances. It came to a point where he was refusing to stop drinking and lying about us to others in our lives.

My uncle was friends with my moms friends husband. Rita, my moms friend, was coming to my house and caring for me because I am very sick. It was a heaven sent. My uncle proceeded to lie to her husband, telling him that I was faking the severity of my illness for attention. Rita’s husband told her not to come to my house anymore because it was not necessary.

I am trying to get on disability because my illness has made it so I can’t work or go to school. My uncle doing this could have damaged this process and could have made it impossible for me to get better. We proceeded to kick him out.

My mom told my uncle and Chris that she did not want them to come to the house when she wasn’t there. He made plans to come with Chris when my mom was here so he could get his stuff. He told my mom that he wouldn’t come without her there. What does he do? He proceeds to come with Chris at 10 a.m. I’m asleep half naked in my bed. I wake up to the sound of them in my room taking the TV that he had lent me. They also proceeded to try to take things that weren’t there’s. The last time had felt that exposed and that disrespected was when I was molested. There is a man not related to me in my room, without permission, while I’m almost naked.

After my mom found out from my aunt Theresa. She called my aunt cindy and asked her why they did that. My aunt cindy knew of the rule my mom put forth, she was going to come with them, and knew that Chris and my uncle wanted and were going to disobey. She told my aunt Theresa but neglected to tell my mom. After cindy was confronted, she told my mom that “she made a decision and my mom needed to get over it.” My mom could have called me to wake up and informed me but instead my uncle and his friend were prioritized over us. Doesn’t all of this sound like it’s happened before?

Cindy neglecting to inform us about a man, and I end up in a situation that I can’t control. I end up with my privacy violated. I’m not angry in this situation. I’m frustrated and disappointed. My mom and I are constantly going out of our way to love our family and we get betrayed by them over and over again. We aren’t saints, I know that. But I would never put my family in the situations that my uncle and aunt have put us in.

So now, we have to take a step back. We have to set strict boundaries with our family. I am so utterly disappointed. I love my family but I can’t keep doing this with them.

Chronic illness

I know what I am

I know what I’m bad at. Looking sexy, staying on a routine, and maintaining my weight. I’m bad at telling people that I think I’m better off dead, or that I’m in so much pain, physically and emotionally. I am the worst at closing the wippies after I use them and at washing my face. I am terrible at letting people in and seeing what’s going on with me.

I also know what I’m good at. Being a derp, forgetting what I should do next, and not eating while still gaining weight. I’m great at saying nonsense so that people are distracted, or acting when I’m not alone. I’m a pro at drying out wipes and getting pimples. I’m really good at talking about what others want to hear and putting on a show.