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The Truth about Hate Groups

Since the terrible events in Charlottesville, hate groups have been the talk of the news. They give statistics on hate groups growth in the states and report numbers of groups in total. What they do is take the stats as a whole and zoom into the parts that make their story. What I want to do is share the entire facts.

Let’s start with listing the hate groups that are active today:

  • Ku Klux Klan– black Americans are usually primarily their target, they also attacked Jews, immigrants, homosexuals, and Catholics
  • Neo-Nazi– the Jews are their cardinal enemy but they also hate other minorities, homosexuals, and even Christians.
  • White nationalists– believe that all other races are inferior to the white race. Ku Klux Klan, neo-Confederate, neo-Nazi, racist Skinhead, and Christian Identity can also be described as white nationalists.
  • Racist skinhead– Skinheads are migratory and often not affiliated with groups. They are the violent element of the white supremacist movement.
  • Christian Identity– they are fundamentally racist and anti-Semitic. They believe Jews descended from Satan and non- whites are seen as soulless “mud-people.” Neo-Nazi Aryan Nations and several Klan groups share the same beliefs.
  • Neo-confederate– they want to revive many of the racist principles of the antebellum south.
  • Black separatist– strongly anti-white and anti-Semitic. Oppose integration and interracial marriage, and want separate institutions or a separate nation for blacks.
  • Anti-LGBT– “Anti-LGBT groups engage in crude name-calling and disseminate disparaging propaganda and falsehoods about this population, such as the claim that gay men molest children at vastly higher rates than straight men.”
  • Anti-Muslim– Anti-Muslim groups exhibit extreme hostility towards Muslims and believe Islam’s followers have an inherent set of negative traits.
  • General hate– “These organizations are subdivided into anti-immigrant, hate music, Holocaust denial, and radical traditional Catholic groups”

Now that they have been listed and given a short description, I’ll give you facts provided by Southern Poverty Law Center. All facts are from 2016.

There were 130 ku klux klan groups nationwide in 2016. This number of groups have actually decreased since 2015 from 190. They estimate 5,000 and 8,000 Klan members are spread out nationwide.

There were 99 neo-nazi groups nationwide in 2016. The most visible neo-nazi group is the national alliance and was lead by William Pierce until he passed away.

There was 100 white nationalist groups nationwide in 2016. The groups can range from ones who use racial slurs and calls for violence to ones that present themselves as serious, non-violent, and academically sound. “the largest white nationalist group in America has been the Council of Conservative Citizens”

There were 78 racist skinhead groups nationwide in 2016. This number has decreased since 2012 from 138 groups. Here are someone the things skin heads have done: “In November 1988, three skinheads in Portland, Ore., beat an Ethiopian student named Mulugeta Seraw to death with baseball bats. In April 1999, a Mexican immigrant named Irineo Soto Aguilar was murdered in Lakeside, Calif., by three skinheads who crushed his skull with chunks of concrete. In October 2007, a skinhead strangled a 62-year-old gay man in Oklahoma City as a rite of passage in his gang.”

There were 21 Christian identity groups nationwide in 2016. This number has slightly increased from 19 groups from 2015 but has decreased from 55 groups from 2011. Even though it’s nominally Christian, it owes little to even the most conservative Protestants. Their interaction with Christians is hostile.

43 neo-confederate groups were documented nationwide in 2016. This number has increased slowly from 30 groups in 2012. They incorporate traditional gender roles, are hostile towards democracy, strongly against homosexuality, favors segregation and suggests white supremacy.

In 2016, 193 black separatist groups were documented nationwide. This number has risen considerably from 113 in 2014. “a number of religious versions assert that blacks — not Jews — are the Biblical “chosen people” of God.””Although the Southern Poverty Law Center recognizes that much black racism in America is, at least in part, a response to centuries of white racism, it believes racism must be exposed in all its forms.””if we seek to expose white hate groups, we cannot be in the business of explaining away the black ones.” It applies to all groups regardless of color. The biggest example is the group Nation of Islam led by Louis Farrakhan.

There have been 101 anti-LGBT groups documented nationwide in 2016. They believed that “the LGBT rights movement and its so-called “homosexual agenda” are the prime culprits in the destruction of American society and culture.” “Many of its leaders have engaged in the crudest type of name-calling, describing LGBT people as “perverts” with “filthy habits” who seek to snatch the children of straight parents and “convert” them to gay sex.”

In 2016, 101 anti-Muslim groups were documented nationwide. This number has risen dramatically from 34 known groups in 2015. “Muslims are depicted as irrational, intolerant and violent, and their faith is frequently depicted as sanctioning pedophilia, coupled with intolerance for homosexuals and women.”

There were 100 documented general hate groups nationwide in 2016. “This list includes a “Jewish” group that is rabidly anti-Arab, a “Christian” group that is anti-Catholic and a polygamous “Mormon” breakaway sect that is racist.”

Looking at facts, their are more black separatist groups then any other group, but when combined, there are 471 groups nationwide that are against very race besides whites. There are 664 groups whom are anti-Semitic (against Jews). There are 551 groups against homosexuals. There are 917 groups in total.

I can’t tell you what to take from this information but I do encourage that you reflect of it. I will say that violence of any kind is not okay. Combating hate and racism is through education and being everything these groups say we are not. We change the lack of equality buy treating everyone around you as equal. No matter what they look like, the color of their skin, and the religion they have.

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HEALTH UPDATE

So this past Friday I went through surgery to implant a port. It will help me get fluids that I need to have to feel better.

It’s a catheter that goes under my skin and it goes into my vein near my heart.

They can use it to draw blood, give medicine, and IV fluids. Hopefully I’ll be feeling a bit better once treatment starts!

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Questions for the Healthy

I have so many questions for healthy people. I want to ask them and see what’s normal and what’s not.

  1. What does it feel like to not feel tired?
  2. What is it like to eat without nauseousness?
  3. When you wake up, how long does it take before you can sit up?
  4. How long can you stand before you need to sit down?
  5. What is it like not having to take medication all the time?
  6. Do you like the cold or the heat more?
  7. What are some things you like to do that don’t involve watching tv or being on the phone?
  8. What is it like to be independent?
  9. What is it like to have a job?
  10. Is walking easy for you?
  11. What position do you sleep in?
  12. How many times a year do you go to the doctor or hospital?
  13. What is it like to sit up quickly and not get dizzy or faint?
  14. What do you think of people like me?
  15. Would you date someone like me?
  16. How many surgeries have you had?
  17. Does Aleve really work?
  18. How often do you throw up?
  19. What is your pain level at normally? 1-10?
  20. Do your doctors know you personally?
  21. How are your periods like?

What does it feel like when people touch you?

I may have more but I can’t think of them. But I would love to know the answers!

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My Personal Disappointment

I am going to share some recent and not so recent events in my life that keep leaving me disappointed.

As I have talked about before, I was molested when I was 13. I’m not sure that I have talked about my family’s involvement in those events. Months beforehand, my cousin, who was 9 at the time, experienced the exact same from the same man. Mel had not only molested her, he had exposed himself to her. After him doing that, my cousin went to her mom, my aunt Cindy, and told her what he had done. My aunt proceeded to not believe her. Then after what happened to me, she finally was faced with the truth.

The years after we’re full of us trying to forgive. Forgive Mel, forgive Cindy. Forgive Mel for hurting us and to forgive Cindy for putting a man above her family. We managed to come to that point. I love my aunt Cindy. She has grown and she has taken care of me. But her living situation has not changed as much as it should have. She still has let men live in her house. She has one living there now.

Chris is my uncles childhood friend. He lives with Cindy. During his stay there, cindy has grown to care for him as they help one another. During this time, my mom and I were letting my uncle live with us as he was trying to recover from alcoholism. He had relapsed many times and we had given him many chances. It came to a point where he was refusing to stop drinking and lying about us to others in our lives.

My uncle was friends with my moms friends husband. Rita, my moms friend, was coming to my house and caring for me because I am very sick. It was a heaven sent. My uncle proceeded to lie to her husband, telling him that I was faking the severity of my illness for attention. Rita’s husband told her not to come to my house anymore because it was not necessary.

I am trying to get on disability because my illness has made it so I can’t work or go to school. My uncle doing this could have damaged this process and could have made it impossible for me to get better. We proceeded to kick him out.

My mom told my uncle and Chris that she did not want them to come to the house when she wasn’t there. He made plans to come with Chris when my mom was here so he could get his stuff. He told my mom that he wouldn’t come without her there. What does he do? He proceeds to come with Chris at 10 a.m. I’m asleep half naked in my bed. I wake up to the sound of them in my room taking the TV that he had lent me. They also proceeded to try to take things that weren’t there’s. The last time had felt that exposed and that disrespected was when I was molested. There is a man not related to me in my room, without permission, while I’m almost naked.

After my mom found out from my aunt Theresa. She called my aunt cindy and asked her why they did that. My aunt cindy knew of the rule my mom put forth, she was going to come with them, and knew that Chris and my uncle wanted and were going to disobey. She told my aunt Theresa but neglected to tell my mom. After cindy was confronted, she told my mom that “she made a decision and my mom needed to get over it.” My mom could have called me to wake up and informed me but instead my uncle and his friend were prioritized over us. Doesn’t all of this sound like it’s happened before?

Cindy neglecting to inform us about a man, and I end up in a situation that I can’t control. I end up with my privacy violated. I’m not angry in this situation. I’m frustrated and disappointed. My mom and I are constantly going out of our way to love our family and we get betrayed by them over and over again. We aren’t saints, I know that. But I would never put my family in the situations that my uncle and aunt have put us in.

So now, we have to take a step back. We have to set strict boundaries with our family. I am so utterly disappointed. I love my family but I can’t keep doing this with them.

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At times like these…

… I am all alone. I don’t know where to go. I want to tell someone about how I hate myself but the one person I can tell is overwhelmed by my existence. I just want to say that I hate myself and I need someone to love me. I don’t believe that I am able to be loved, at least not very easily.  I am burdensome and I am so sorry. I can’t do anything for myself and 1 person to do the job of 2. Then I expect them to want to spend their free time with me. People will tell me that it’s all lies that I’m telling myself but why do I feel like I’m through the lies as my reality. It’s something I can’t shake. I just want to make people happy. But I bring them down to where I’m dying and they constantly push me away.

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Abuse Education 

Survivors of abuse, whether it’s physical, mental/emotional, or sexual, need support. Let’s be honest with ourselves, we don’t like talking about those things. It’s graphic and horrible but it’s time to start talking. 

I want to educate you on somethings that happen when someone is abused. If you have never learned about abuse, I want you to take what I say and remember it.

1. We survivors feel shame. Why? Because we think that our abuse is our fault. It is a huge lie that the abuser and society tries to tell us so that they don’t have to deal with the consequences of the abusers actions. I can tell someone all day that the shame that they feel belongs to the person that hurt them. Will that stop them from feeling that shame and guilt? Absolutely not. As the people surrounding them, we need to validate this. We need to change what they think is true but it is ultimately up to the survivor to make an effort to believe the truth.

2. People who haven’t been through abuse, say the stupidest things to the people who have. “Why didn’t you just leave?” “Why did you get so drunk?” “You should have called the cops.” It goes on and on. If you don’t know what to say, here’s a guide line: “I believe you.” “It is not your fault.” “Let me help you.” “Do you want to talk?” Remember that you have no idea what this person is going through and they need your help. They are using their strength to persevere and may not be in the right mind set. Like they my be constantly terrified. Someone may not be able to leave their situation because their abuser is in control of their money and other things they would need to leave. We should be on their side and help them make the right choices and not judge them for not making good decisions at the time. 

3. People who go through abuse are not the same after the abuse is over. They loose control over the basic things that they should have control over. They are violated by a person who is selfish and has no care for human life. I say that because the abuser chooses their need for power and control over the survivors life. The survivor is completely different because of this. They don’t trust, they are paranoid, and they are overwhelmed with sadness and depression. Each person turns out different through abuse but different nonetheless. So don’t expect someone to just pick up their life as it was and move on. What happened is apart of their lives forever and they will spend their lives with it effecting everything they do.

4. Not all abuse is the same. People like to compare situations with other people’s situations. Abuse in all forms cannot be compared to someone else’s. Someone who was molested cannot compare that situation to someone who was raped multiple times for a year. The two people would go through those experiences differently. People can be more sensitive then others. The person who was molested could take more time in therapy then the one who was raped. It’s all about individual experience. We stand independently together. 

5. Society needs to treat people who have been abused much better and differently. We look at Kesha’s case some people are not even phased. She has to work with the man that abused her. The court heard what she had to say about what happened to her, and they refused to terminate her contract with this man. Sony has agreed that she doesn’t have to work with him but every time she releases music and profits, he gets to profit off of her too. That’s absolutely horrendous. You wonder why people don’t report what happens to them. Don’t you think if they did and nothing happened to their abuser, the abuser would go after them? 

As someone who is a survivor, this is coming from my point of view. I decided to write this because I am tired of people not taking abuse seriously. I’m tired of survivors being treated the way they are because people are ignorant. We need to educate ourselves no matter how hard or difficult the topic may be. 

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What Needed To Be Said…

Warning: this is about molestation. It does go into detail. 

I want to tell you a story. I had a dream that I was 13 again. I was in a court room with a jury, a lawyer, and him. I was subpoenaed to take the stand and answer the questions his lawyer had for me. 

“Are you ready?” The lawyer asked me shallowly. 

I replied with a question, “So you are going to ask me certain questions so that my answers make Mel look not guilty of something he is definitely guilty of?” 

“I’m trying to get the truth.” He said raising his eyebrows. 

I leaned forward towards the mic, “I am 13 years old and my cousin is 9. Mel is somewhere in his 50s. He lived with her for around 8 months before that night. It was a Friday, the first night of our 2 week Christmas break. It took 2 hours to get there, like usual, so it was late that night. We were celebrating Christmas early like we always did. We begged to open one present before we went to bed. My mom and her 2 sisters gave in. We got Christmas pajamas but mine were a bit too small so my stomach showed slightly…” 

“We don’t have all day..” his lawyer interjected. 

“All of this is relevant and the truth. Don’t minimize what happened to me.” He apologized and gestured me to continue. 

I clear my throat, “I wore the pjs anyway. Later I was in my cousin Warren’s room. We were sitting on his bed and playing video games. All of a sudden Mel stuck his head through the door. He wanted us to spend time with the others. We didn’t want to stop playing so we said no thanks. That’s when he started saying that Warren was into me. And that my cousin wanted to have sex with me. I was shocked, I shook it off as his crude humor. He left and I looked over at my cousin and asked if he would go out to where the others were. He agreed. Once we got there Mel was excited that we came and hugged me. I felt uncomfortable due to the fact that I was in puberty and I didn’t have a bra on…” 

“Did you tell your mom that he was saying those things?” He questioned. 

“No I was embarrassed. I didn’t want to think about those things.” 

Jotting something down he replied, “Continue.” 

I took a deep breath, “Shortly after that we were sent to bed. I slept in my 9 year old cousins bed with her, my mom and my aunt tete in my aunt Cindy’s bed, Mel in the living room with my aunt Cindy on the living room floor. Mel came into the room kissed us goodnight and drunkenly struggling to turn off the tv. He left and returned a while later and repeated the same thing. I was confused but I fell asleep right after my cousin. I woke up groggy and on my stomach. I felt heaviness on my legs but I didn’t process the fact that there was someone on top of me and they were licking and kissing the top of my butt untill moments later. I was terrified. I slowly turned my head to see who it was, and once I saw Mel I jolted back to laying flat. He noticed I was awake and slurred ‘shh go back to sleep.'” 

“Did you scream for help?” The lawyer asked connivingly. 

“I was in shock so no. I couldn’t find my voice for a while after it happened.” He nods and tells me to continue. 

“So  I replied to him telling him that I needed to go to the bathroom. I don’t know why I said it. But he got up, pulled up his pants, and backed into the corner of the room where it was darker since the moon was lighting up the room. I got down to the end of the bed to get up and I told myself not to look at him. But I looked up and saw his face. He looked back and he quickly got angry. He came after me and I ran to the bathroom that was in the living room. He knocked and knocked so I told him through the door that I would be right out. I turned on the faucet to make it sound like peeing…”

 “I’m sorry but you were letting him know that you would come out to him? This is extremely difficult to believe.” He scoffed.

 My anger rose up in me, “You know what’s hard to believe? A man being charged with battery for climbing into bed with a 13 and 9 year old and touching one of them sexually. Him getting less then a month in jail for ruining my life. For destroying my family. I can’t close my eyes without remembering how I felt in that bathroom. I close my eyes and I go back to when I realized that I had his saliva all over my butt and inside my buttcrack. I go back to me sitting on the toilet scrubbing myself raw so that I was sure he wasn’t on me and I relive the moment that I realized that he was still out there with my baby cousin and that he has probably already done this to her more then once. I go back to making the decision to take her place that night. I shut my eyes and I remember the feeling I had when I realized that I might loose my virginity to a 50 year old without my consent. That I had to open the door and distract him from my cousin and I had to do it now. And the numbness my body gave me so that I could survive. I relive the relief I had when I opened the door and I found him passed out on the chair and I ran to my cousins room. And I relive my heart breaking laying next to her and deciding instead of not saying anything about it I would tell. I relive every moment. This is what I call unbelievable.” 

There was just silence. The lawyer was just doing his job. I knew that, but I had to do mine. 

Everything ended, he took a deal and spent 3 weeks in jail. He got to go home to his sister and 2 nieces. Maybe if I actually was able to say this in court then he would have never had the privilege to go home. To be surrounded by exactly what he wanted. 

“I failed…”

That’s when I woke up. My heart was racing. It was a crazy dream. Reliving something and imagining something else that I wanted to do so badly. I never had my chance to say what needed to be said. 

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I’ll Get There…

Have you ever thought about what life would be like if we didn’t hate ourselves? I know for a fact that everyone does. We are all the same in that way but different in the ways we show it. Imagine loving yourself humbly. Do you think we would start loving the people around us too? Or is it selfish to daydream of a moment that I didn’t feel disgust when I looked in the mirror? Does loving yourself have to be selfish? Why can’t we like ourselves in the state that we are in right now? I am always trying to fix what’s wrong. I’m too fat here, I need a filter, or my boobs aren’t even. How do I become perfect?”

I don’t think I have done anything “perfectly” in my lifetime. I don’t even know what perfect is. When will I know when I reached “perfect” when I have never seen it? If I link my happiness to perfection, I will never become happy. No matter how many times I say, “Just one more sit up.” or “This foundation will make me look flawless.” There will always be something “wrong” or something to “fix.” I am not sure how to start accepting my self as I am or how to be okay with how my body changes. I know that I’ll have to take it one day at a time. “I’ll get there, Don’t worry.”

poetry · Uncategorized

When You Finally Die

I have never seen death 

manifest itself up close.

But I have seen worse 

happen days before.

Death, usually, 

is only cruel to the people 

you have chosen to love

and those who have chosen 

that you are worth loving back.

The days, weeks, months, years,

waiting for death are only cruel 

to the one chosen to die.

The body was made to live.

It does anything else 

it will sacrifice your sanity 

for the sake of living.

Even if it’s a life worse then death.

When it fails,

when you finally die,

you take pieces of the people you’ve 

touched, people you’ve hurt,

the people of almosts and 

the people of forever. 

You take the piece of 

yourself that you planted 

in them.

Rip every tendent. 

Leaving them all in 

critical condition 

hoping that it will heal 

correctly.

Death.

It’s complicated.

Burdening, soul wrenching.

Something to look forward to,

and end to suffering.

The beginning of grieving,

or possibly the end. 

The end and the beginning.

I’ve only seen the before 

and after.

I’ve seen people,

people who where slowly 

painfully dying.

I’ve seen a body,

motionless, heart still.

Eyes shut, never opening,

Caked in makeup, dressed

as their families want.

Both sights looking

nothing as who they truly are.

The before taking away 

their light and voice.

Not able to be how they 

truly wish to be.

The after letting the families 

put on a show, the big production.

“The lie of the one who has died.”

People showing up 

that should have showed up 

a couple heart beats earlier.

Words spoken that

should have been said

To rosy cheeks 

not cold bloodless lips. 

Death is regret.

Death is inevitable.

Death is at any moment.

Celebrate! 

We have an excuse to live.

poetry · Uncategorized

Can You See Me?


I am hidden.

I pride myself on being 

transparent,

but I find that I am so

much so, that I am invisible.

I have no color. 

I feel myself 

and there is no intriguing 

substance.

I have lived only 20 years 

and I just bought my 

first thong.

I am behind the times.

My body is a chameleon.

Morphing to the colors, shapes,

and habits of my surroundings.

No one can see me. 

Why do I blend into what 

I don’t want to be a part of?

How do I find myself?

Why does my honesty 

hide me?

Why can’t you see me?