I know what I am

I know what I’m bad at. Looking sexy, staying on a routine, and maintaining my weight. I’m bad at telling people that I think I’m better off dead, or that I’m in so much pain, physically and emotionally. I am the worst at closing the wippies after I use them and at washing my face. I am terrible at letting people in and seeing what’s going on with me.

I also know what I’m good at. Being a derp, forgetting what I should do next, and not eating while still gaining weight. I’m great at saying nonsense so that people are distracted, or acting when I’m not alone. I’m a pro at drying out wipes and getting pimples. I’m really good at talking about what others want to hear and putting on a show.

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I Hate Water

I'm frustrated with myself. To be more accurate, my body. I have always struggle with drinking water and I have been dehydrated and sent to the hospital because of it three times already. When I was diagnosed with POTS, I never thought that water would be the golden ticket to functioning. It's not only that I hate water, it's that drinking 64 oz or more in a day has proven to make me nauseous. Putting anything in my stomach makes me nauseated.

So what's the solution? IV hydration therapy. I thought, wow I can't believe I can do it this way! Then after two months of getting stuck with needles twice a week, I realized that I couldn't endure long term. Not just because of nurses missing the vein and having to stick me again or the crazy bruising around every area they poke and not even just the poking itself. It was because long term veins train themselves not to get poked and I would have to get a port.

What is a port you ask? To be honest all I know is that it's a device that gets surgically inserted into your body and it allows you to get fluids from there. Yes I'm chronically ill and I'm used to tests, procedures, and needles but I have never had a surgery as an adult. So I thought I'd try to drink water on my own again. I can't describe the dark yellow color that my urine is right now. And I'm drinking as much as I can endure.

So I'm frustrated. I don't want to do this but I know I have to. I have to take care of my body even if it means doing things I don't like. Until then, I am going to do anything else to ignore the fact that I'm crazy dehydrated. Hopefully until I can set everything up, I won't be hospitalized.

Nutcases, Pinterest, and Jesus

I want to write about my friends. I have a small group from church and I never imagined the friendship that would be created. I have many great girlfriends in the group and they have introduced me to whole new worlds.

They have broadened my faith in Jesus, expanded my musical tastes, and introduced me to beautiful new cultures. I hope I have done that for them in other ways. I hope that our friendship expands for years to come.

I have to admit that I am afraid. I am a person who is full of fear. I am scared that my friends will see something in me that makes them walk away. I'm afraid that this will end like the past ones. I fear that I won't have anything to give to them in our friendship like they have given to me.

As someone who is chronically ill, it is normal for me to not be reliable. But I want to be a person that they can come to, someone they want to come to. I want to impact their lives in positive ways. I want them to want me around. This is difficult for me to express. One day I won't struggle to tell them how I feel in person.

I love my Tuesday night nutcases. I love the women that have chosen to remain in my life. I wish them all the great things God has to offer. I wish for more 30 minute laughs. I wish for more inside jokes. I wish for more game nights. I wish for more chapters of my friend's book. I wish for more "drunk MM knows what she likes" moments. I wish for more Pinterest notifications. And I wish for more gluten free cookies and frosting! God willing, there will be more to come.

SSI

I can feel my illnesses. I can feel their symptoms all over my body. No, they are not just labels, not just letters on a page. I’m hurt, constantly hurt. The sad thing is that I can’t show you because it’s down to my bones. It’s something MRIs and X-rays can’t see. For you, seeing is believing and that logic is flawed. “A 20 year old is this sick? Impossible.” I can tell you what is really impossible, Me getting and holding down a job. What is really impossible is me finishing college, I know I have tried to twice. What is impossible is for me to have a hour free of pain. I haven’t had one of those since I was 13. I am telling you that this is real and it doesn’t want me to survive. I’m telling you that I am terrified because I don’t know what I am going to do when I turn 26. I’m telling you that I am angry because none of you will believe me and help me.

I am stuck inside my body. It tortures me with full force and I am surprised that I am still alive. I’m devastated, I don’t get to have a normal relationship, I don’t get to have my own children, and I don’t get to enjoy more then half of what life has to offer. When I do what others do, I can’t enjoy it due to not being able to eat, stand, or make money. My room has become my fortress. I hide myself there due to shame and embarrassment. What man wants to date someone who can’t be productive? What friends want to go home at 9pm on a friday? Hear me, I am suffering.

GET TO KNOW JJCC

I will start with the original 5…
Let's start with the oldest E.co

Here are some facts on this Goddess….

Right now he is currently serving his time in the military. He just entered. 🇰🇷
He was born 1987 in Busan but grew up in Gimsae.
Specialty: impersonating Simon D.
He eats the most compared to the other members.🍱 He loves all food
Hobby: fashion design 👗
He is an only child. 👶🏻
His ideal type: he just knows when he likes someone.

NEXT is Simba
Our lonely lion 🦁 leader

Some facts on this crazy guy….

He was born 1992 in Gyeonggi, Suwon, Korea
He speaks Korean and Japanese
He has an older sister and a younger brother
Favorite food: chocolate 🍫
Hobby: photography 📷
Specialty: acting 🎭
His ideal type: Petite girls that he can protect.

NEXT is Eddy
Adorable shorty

Here are some facts on this aegyo king 👑

He was born 1990 in Los Angeles, California.
Has a younger sister.
He speaks Korean and English.
He is the best cook out of the members.
He was on MasterChef Korea in 2012.
Hobbies: cooking 👨‍🍳 , Playing Soccer ⚽️, camping ⛺️, and doing stunts 🤸🏻‍♂️
Favorite food: Mexican 🇲🇽, Japanese 🇯🇵, and Italian 🇮🇹
Specialty: martial arts 🥋
His ideal type: outgoing, sporty, someone who isn't afraid to get sweaty.

NEXT is Prince Mak
Yes it's his real name.

Some facts on this Australian Chinese Prince…(pun)

He was born 1990 in Sydney, Australia 🇦🇺
He has an older sister and a younger brother.
He speaks English, Chinese, and Korean.
He can play piano, bass, and guitar 🎸
Favorite food: Korean fried chicken 🍗, Japanese ramen 🍜, and Vietnamese pho 🍲.
Hobbies: dancing 💃🏼, beatboxing, playing guitar 🎸, wrestling 🤼‍♀️, and martial arts 🥋.
He is currently on hiatus, he is signed with emperor entertainment group Beijing pursuing a solo career and just starred in a new movie 🎥. He did confirm that he was still apart of JJCC December 2016. (Still not sure what's going on there.)
Ideal type: girls with short hair.

And the last original member..
SanCheong! Mr. Maknae…

Here are some facts on this flexible dork…

He was born 1993 in Daegu, Korea.
His nickname is sloth.
Only child 👶🏻
He speaks Korean and English.
Hobbies: watching movies 🎥, acting 🎭, and sleeping 😴. Aka: sloth
Favorite food: meat 🍖
He is the messiest out of the members.
Participant in Produce 101 season 2.
Ideal type: long-haired girls who are pretty when they smile.

Now with the members who made a great addition to JJCC!

FIRST is Zica
Cutie tattoo guy.

Some facts on this Cinnamon roll…

Real name: Dae Hwan/대 흰
Lead vocal and rapper
Aries
Height: 183
Weight: 63
He was born April 17, 1992 in Gwangju, Korea.
He speaks Korean and English.
Hobbies: listening to music 🎶 and traveling 🗺.
He has a dog named Hoca.
Can beatbox.
His nickname is roundie.
Former member of ATO

AND now Yul
Love him. Feed him..

Some facts about this cuddly guy….

Real Name: Kim Chanyul/김찬율
Vocal and visual
Pisces
Height: 186
Weight: 66
He was born February 27, 1992 in Gwangji, Korea.
Hobbies: weight training🏋🏻, listening to music 🎶, photography 📸, and watching movies 🎥.
Specialty: snowboarding 🏂
Former member of ATO
He is a participant of Produce 101 season 2.

They are Jackie Chan's idol group!

Now here are some things you should watch…
Them with their pets
Let's Dance: Fire
Let's Dance: Where you at
JJCC fighter: Eddy's revenge
Take 1: ep.5 intro to The pets
Take 1: ep.9 what are you doing?

MUSIC VIDEOS
At First
BingBingBing (one way)
Fire
On The Flower Bed
Where You At
Insomnia
ToDay
*SKIPTRACE WITH JACKIE CHAN* (idk if they sing)
Freedom

Like A YearΒ 

I am like a year. I go through seasons and sometimes I’m not constant. But with me you will always know what day it is. My seasons depend on my body and the time surrounding it. I can have times where I am barely conscious. When months go by and I’m sleeping due to the exhaustion. 

Then all of a sudden I will be alive and happy. Where I experience everything going on around me and the Lord is constantly present. 

Again the season will change and all I experience is trial. I get stuck inside myself and God is on the back burner because I need to be strong on my own. Being weak with God gets prolonged and I slowly fall into a pit. 

I’ll end my year flat on my face trying to receive forgiveness. Forgiveness for the same sins I committed the year before. Making empty promises to my God about how I will serve him through out my year nonstop. 

I know what my seasons are and that I need to change them. But I never do. Each day I know I’m doing it all over again but I let it take its course. And through out it all, my savior is still as close to me as my right hand. What a fool I am and what a merciful God I serve.

At times like these…

… I am all alone. I don’t know where to go. I want to tell someone about how I hate myself but the one person I can tell is overwhelmed by my existence. I just want to say that I hate myself and I need someone to love me. I don’t believe that I am able to be loved, at least not very easily.  I am burdensome and I am so sorry. I can’t do anything for myself and 1 person to do the job of 2. Then I expect them to want to spend their free time with me. People will tell me that it’s all lies that I’m telling myself but why do I feel like I’m through the lies as my reality. It’s something I can’t shake. I just want to make people happy. But I bring them down to where I’m dying and they constantly push me away.