Christianity

Nutcases, Pinterest, and Jesus

I want to write about my friends. I have a small group from church and I never imagined the friendship that would be created. I have many great girlfriends in the group and they have introduced me to whole new worlds.

They have broadened my faith in Jesus, expanded my musical tastes, and introduced me to beautiful new cultures. I hope I have done that for them in other ways. I hope that our friendship expands for years to come.

I have to admit that I am afraid. I am a person who is full of fear. I am scared that my friends will see something in me that makes them walk away. I'm afraid that this will end like the past ones. I fear that I won't have anything to give to them in our friendship like they have given to me.

As someone who is chronically ill, it is normal for me to not be reliable. But I want to be a person that they can come to, someone they want to come to. I want to impact their lives in positive ways. I want them to want me around. This is difficult for me to express. One day I won't struggle to tell them how I feel in person.

I love my Tuesday night nutcases. I love the women that have chosen to remain in my life. I wish them all the great things God has to offer. I wish for more 30 minute laughs. I wish for more inside jokes. I wish for more game nights. I wish for more chapters of my friend's book. I wish for more "drunk MM knows what she likes" moments. I wish for more Pinterest notifications. And I wish for more gluten free cookies and frosting! God willing, there will be more to come.

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poetry

Like A Year 

I am like a year. I go through seasons and sometimes I’m not constant. But with me you will always know what day it is. My seasons depend on my body and the time surrounding it. I can have times where I am barely conscious. When months go by and I’m sleeping due to the exhaustion. 

Then all of a sudden I will be alive and happy. Where I experience everything going on around me and the Lord is constantly present. 

Again the season will change and all I experience is trial. I get stuck inside myself and God is on the back burner because I need to be strong on my own. Being weak with God gets prolonged and I slowly fall into a pit. 

I’ll end my year flat on my face trying to receive forgiveness. Forgiveness for the same sins I committed the year before. Making empty promises to my God about how I will serve him through out my year nonstop. 

I know what my seasons are and that I need to change them. But I never do. Each day I know I’m doing it all over again but I let it take its course. And through out it all, my savior is still as close to me as my right hand. What a fool I am and what a merciful God I serve.

Christianity · Chronic illness · poetry

I’m Just Fine (My First Rap)


People ask me “Why you don’t talk” all the time.

Well here’s your damn answer,

My body’s decaying, it’s breaking.

But no one gives two craps unless it’s cancer.

All I do stare up at ceilings

Trying to ignore the fact that my skin keeps peeling. Off

Damn Doctors, they insult me 

It’s all in my brain, they say.

Thanks Doc,

Slam the car door, mom asks those three words,

“How are you?”

My mouth is under padlock.

She just wants to hear that 

I’m still as strong not easy to knock.

Even if every words a lie.

[CHORUS]

I’m, just, fine.

I’ll be okay, I’m living a normal life.

It’s sad from time to time, but God is kind.

Don’t you worry about me, I’ll bloom on time,

I may have thorns in my sides, but I was made just right.

I have my eyes on the prize, it will just take some patience and Christ.

I’m, just, fine.

[CHORUS]

There’s not light, I look at the time. I have a realization,

The medication can’t stop the PTSD or depression, my silence is a confession, open your eyes and make a correction on how you see me before I make a stupid decision that will make you learn your lesson. 

See me. I’m weaker than you think, don’t blink, you might miss it. Terrified of the what if’s the worlds darkest screw it’s.

You tell me I can’t live this way, I’m lazy and I never move from where I lay. 

No really? you think I wanted this? What about all the things I miss? Really?

This is my body, not me. If pain wasn’t in the damn way I would runaway, stand in line just because this mother could, I would dance all night pretending this white girl was from the hood. Only if I could. 

You ask me with that fake voice, “Girl, How are you!?” 

And so the conversation goes…

[CHORUS]

I’m, just, fine.

I’ll be okay, I’m living a normal life.
It’s sad from time to time, but God is kind.
Don’t you worry about me, I’ll bloom on time,
I may have thorns in my sides, but I was made just right.
I have my eyes on the prize, it will just take some patience and Christ.
I’m, just, fine.
[CHORUS]
What should I say? You all ready know that the pain is chronic, that I have PTSD and I can’t love myself, that I dig so far into my body that bleed, it’s ironic.

Can’t be my own lover so I make myself uglier.

You know that. But say it out loud, you run faster then a freaking street rat. 

So I’m fine. Cuz it’s crime to check box other.

Mother always says to treat others how you want to be treated so I show compassion.

Even after you ask me that question in poor fashion. Because no should be alone.

Even if love was never shown. In the first place.

So I get another text, the same stupid question.

As if I could describe with the words in my possession. So I hold up a mirror and have them ask themselves. Thats all people have wanted since I was twelve.

And…

[CHORUS]

I’m, just, fine.

I’ll be okay, I’m living a normal life.
It’s sad from time to time, but God is kind.
Don’t you worry about me, I’ll bloom on time,
I may have thorns in my sides, but I was made just right.
I have my eyes on the prize, it will just take some patience and Christ.
I’m, just, fine.
[CHORUS]
If the pain would go, my heart could show, and all this loneliness would be just a memory. But just because that’s what it should be doesn’t mean it could be.

Christianity

Let Him Go, Love God

tumblr_nvg0okceop1un115xo1_500Since I had the ability to remember, I knew I wanted a boyfriend. I knew that I wanted to do life with someone that I was in love with, and someone that was in love with me. As I grew up, it became an obsession. I could blame it on my Dad for not being a great dad and I could blame it on my sexual assault, but those things just made the problem worse.

Once I hit puberty, my search for love and affection went into overdrive. It constantly caused me to be depressed. I would search for something instant, knowing that it wouldn’t work, then I would be rejected. I didn’t handle the rejection well. I would go down this spiral of despair and tell myself that I wasn’t worth loving. Then my first long term boyfriend came along. It was thrilling but shortly after I knew that we were using each other for validation. To prove to ourselves that we could be loved and that we could love someone else. We used each other to feel better about ourselves because our lives sucked. You can imagine how that relationship unfolded.

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For me, It was him.
You don’t actually have to imagine because I’m going to tell you. He was never good enough and there was always some standard that I wanted him to live up to. Most of the standards were reasonable, for an adult male that was mature. He was younger then me and I was expecting him to be the man that he was still learning how to be. Once sex was introduced, we were doomed to fail. We never had sex but we did other sexual things to each other. We wanted to make each other happy because we knew deep down that that was the only way we could keep each other happy. Once you get a taste of something, you want more of it and then you have to go further. For two teenagers wildly enduring hormones, it was hard for us to stop. I remember one time when he went too far and I told him to stop twice. Since I had PTSD from my molestation, I had a panic attack when he wouldn’t get off of me and screamed. He jumped off of me and he was terrified. I didn’t know what to say. I also remember the day my mom walked in on us. We both agreed that we would stop fooling around. That lasted maybe a month, then I started it back up again. I had shame and guilt even before we were caught. I started it back up because I was afraid of loosing him.

 

We looked great on the outside. Everyone thought that we were cute, some tried to break us up. On the inside, however; our relationship was us hurting each other, saying sorry, and then doing something else that hurt the other person. I have abused him, he has abused me. Emotionally, Physically. I have slapped him and he has forced himself on top of me. We were good at faking our communication. He was great at not paying for anything, and I was great at nagging. We should have never been together but at the same time if I never dated him, I wouldn’t know what not to do now. I’m not saying that we didn’t have our good times but they are hard to remember over the explosion of a break up that we had.

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Nearing the start of my senior year, I started truly having faith in God. As that started happening, I was also starting to feel convicted of the choices I made and the relationship I chose to be in. I knew that I needed to break things off with him but I felt like I needed him. I was terrified of being alone and after all he was my best friend. So I waited to see if he would find God with me, and he didn’t. I was being pulled in by desire and lust. I needed to break up with him and I knew that if I did it in person, he would have changed my mind. So I called him, I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore. That the relationship wasn’t good for either of us. That God wanted me to move on and heal things that were there even before he came along. I couldn’t rely on him to make me feel whole anymore. He cried, I cried. We parted ways. Then I started freaking out at the realization that I had no one. So I text him and ask him to take me back. Not because I loved him, because I need him as my crutch. He then begins to tell me that I was a horrible girlfriend. He continued to tell me nasty things that he thought and his friends thought about me. I hear that, given the opportunity, he will tell others about how terrible I am and also about the things that we had done sexually together. Sometimes exaggerated.

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I have grown to ignore what others tell me about what he says. I know I am not whatever person I was in 2014. I will continue to grow and look to my future. I now can be alone with out the despair and the thirst that comes with single life. I don’t have to date the first, second, or third person who asks me out. I am sustained in my faith of the Lord instead of failing to fill myself with the love of a man. There is nothing that he or anyone else can do to change that. I am proud that I am being prepared for my next relationship. Even if my ex keeps intruding into my families life and my life, I know that I don’t have to let that destroy me. My past doesn’t have a hold on me anymore. I have a long journey ahead but I have a choice whether or not I will let my past will effect it or not.

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

~2 Corinthians 5:17~

P.S.~ I want to thank my ex, if he is reading this, for helping one of my relatives move. We aren’t talking for a reason and you still helped out my family. Thank you for stepping up like that and putting whatever feelings you have for me aside to help out. I was not able to help due to my many illnesses, so thank you.

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Chronic illness

The Gone Me

Part of me wishes that all of this never happened to me. At the same time, I know for a fact that I would not be where I am with God with out the bad things I have endured and am still enduring. I have seen myself without God and I was absolutely disgusting. He knew that the only way that I would come to him was allowing chronic illness and pain to be a constant thorn in my side. I am so happy that he did it so early in my lifetime so that I would know him earlier and have the possibility of getting to know him and grow through out a whole lifetime. Yes there are parts of me that are gone that I wish I could have back, like my active side and the part of me that could be outside for hours. The part of me that could stay up all night and all day to get things done, and the part of me that could make 3 different plans with 3 different people in one day. But I have to sacrifice those and the evil, sinful parts that thought it was okay to be sexually explicit, that it was okay to lie to and hit my mom just because I could, and the parts that thought it was okay to lie to and hurt people just because I could or because I didn’t like them. I have to sacrifice both because they go hand in hand. Once I did, God made a way for me to not go backwards. I’m chronically ill and I believe and fear the Lord. They go hand in hand. He’s not punishing me for my sin, that’s not what I’m saying. He’s allowed my situation to become a way of honoring him. And God has made it so that there is no way I could choose to go backwards. My life now is a million times better then it was. How could I go back?

poetry

Slitting 


All the love she 

Receives is in

Pixels.

From people she’s 

Heard of but 

Never has been

Turned on by.

And it has never

Quenched only 

Flattered. 

Mattered for the 

Second. 

She try’s to stretch 

It for a lifetime

But she ends up 

Slitting. 

One more post,

A tiny bit more 

Skin,

Sell it.

Skin for what you

Call love. 

More lust, more secret, more sex.

Love me because I can’t.

Love me because I need

It now. 

Now she doesn’t know 

What love is.

She needs what lust gives away.

And it doesn’t cost her 

skin,

Parcels of her are missing.

Empty, concave. 

No longer treated 

as human and 

No longer virgin. 

Now, no longer wanted.

She locks her room

To shut the world out.

But can’t shut her mind up.

His word her conscience.

But she finally hears,

“Just let it all go.”

“I WANT LOVE!”

She’s broken.

On the floor with

Black eyeliner dripping 

In her eyes, “I want love.”

She selfishly prays,

“Give me love.”

She knows how to get it

But won’t give up her

Ways.

“Just Give me love.”

She breathes.

Hears her heart rapidly 

Beat.

“Fine, i believe.”

She shutdown, thinking of 

The words she spoke.

Her face hits wooden floor.

“I believe, please change me.”

Uncategorized

All He Wants 

We keep running. Everyone has something they run from and we just keep running. Whether it’s by eating, getting drunk, or quite literally packing up your car and driving. We will not face what ever it is that scares us, condemns us, or makes us feel. Why? Because we lose control and we are no longer safe from being wrong. We can be rejected, changed, or forced to accept reality. 

A small example is that you are at a party and you see someone who doesn’t completely suck. Your friends nudge you to make a move but what if… the what ifs are endless. So instead your friend, without your knowledge, yells, “Hey good looking, this girl wants your number!” He nods and keeps talking to his buddy. What do you do? You have fun, go home, and down a whole gallon of ice cream. Why? You didn’t want to think about the fact that you were hurt about good looking not giving you his digits. “It was stupid to think he would.” No it wasn’t! Would it have helped if you went up and asked him yourself? Yeah but fear got in the way and that is okay as long as you don’t let it hold you back from living life. 

Sometimes people just can’t handle stressful situations. My aunt used to get in her car and just drive away. We would be trying to tell her that she handled a situation incorrectly or that she was treating someone badly and she would get so confronted and not be able to take the criticism that she would leave in her car and we wouldn’t know where she was for hours. She got that trait from my grandmother. My grandmother would leave for days and not tell anyone. She would go to different states too. 

My family also had another bad way of dealing with their problems, drinking. I should probably say getting drunk. Almost everyone in my family is a recovering alcoholic and has been in AA. Seeing how every one around me, even friends, run from conflict and problems drives me crazy. The gossip is horrendous and I’ve been guilty of it. 

Ever since I went through my anger-towards-the-world phase in freshman year, I have had to fix everything with every one. And after I made my amends, I would have to fix everything that ever happened between me and someone else as soon as it happened. I can’t handle bad blood but I recently have been having to learn that I can’t fix things with people who don’t want things to be fixed. I also have come to know that letting go of things that are unresolved is the hardest thing to do. I can’t accept that me and someone I love could no longer be on good terms with one another. And it’s all about myself. I don’t want to be alone.

For me personally, rejection and how people think of me are the things I run from. I have to please everyone I love. I always have to know what people think of me and I over think about how people perceive me. I have to stop and remember that the only person I serve is God. I should only care about how he perceives me. I can say that I haven’t been showing up for him in life as much as I should. That should concern me more then anything else. So when I have these problems and I run to food, social media, or anger towards everyone, why don’t I just run to God? That’s all he wants me to do. Run straight to him.

I suggest that everyone reads these chapters but I’ll will put my favorite verses from each. Keep praying that God will put the things on your heart that you need to deal with. Pray that he will prepare you so that you can deal with them and move forward.

“I will cleanse them from all the guilt of their sin against me, and I will forgive all the guilt of their sin and rebellion against me.”

‭Jeremiah 33:8

“For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.””

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭41:13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“”If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.”

‭‭John‬ ‭15:18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:19‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Uncategorized

For GiGi

img_0210I lost a friend today. She lived with me, in this cramped apartment for such a long time. When she sat on my lap, she would always hold my hand, she was so good inside. So now she’s in a better place and I know the Father will take care of her. She was suffering and I know I did the right thing. Thank you for your love, I lost a friend today.

~ J. Broday, dad

Uncategorized

Choose A Path 

It’s hard to watch the people you love choose a path that leads to pain or failure. To see them choose not to grow and better themselves. I see potential and see how amazing and beautiful someone can be but they refuse to put in the work or open their mind to get there. I have to remember that I can’t force growth onto people. That I have to love them even if they choose the wrong paths. It’s selfish of me to try to push people to work on things that they don’t want to accept. I realize that I do it because I’m afraid of being alone and not able to progress with someone. I also see the way that the people I love are changing and I see the things that influence them. I also see how easy lying, avoiding, and profanity is becoming to them. It’s slowly spreading like fungus and mold. It has hurt me and many people around them. There is nothing I can say that can stop it. “Sometimes you have to let people fail.” My mom advises me. How do you watch someone fail? How do you watch someone turn into a completely different person? All because they don’t want to lose the things that can be easily lost. Foolish to think that a person can put their faith and hope in someone or something that can easily be lost. I guess one might find it more appealing than a God that never leaves or changes. Especially to someone who loathes any type of control. But which path has true freedom? It all breaks me and makes it harder to control my tongue. And how do I love them? Do I support their path even if I disagree or do I continue to say my mind? I can only argue so many times. My heart can only take so much and it’s scared that they will never come back. How do I continue to love someone who doesn’t resemble the person who I grew to love in the first place? I’ll try not to become furious. I’ll try to express my emotions. All I hope is that they don’t wonder down too far and then one day I wonder what happened to the friendship we once had.

Uncategorized

The Impact Of A Lie


When I was younger I struggled with lying. I would lie to get people in trouble, to get attention, and to keep people out of my business. I was doing terrible things to deal with my emotions and I would lie so that I wouldn’t have to stop doing them. My lies got out of control and one night everyone started finding out about my lies and my hidden vices. The amount of shame that I had, the loneliness that I felt, and the realization that I had hurt everyone I loved caused a mental breakdown. Everything that I was trying not to deal with and putting off for so long came rushing to me and I didn’t want to live with it and everything that I had done. So I tried to kill myself, but before I went through with it I told the person I hurt the most about what I was going to do. Apart of me wanted to reach out for help and he talked me down. I was hospitalized the next day. It’s been a couple years since then and I have grown. I try not to lie anymore and when I do I come clean. I love an honest life and I continue to grow with God and he helps me conquer my sins. Now I value honesty and I don’t tolerate lies. My lies almost cost me my life and when I am put in a position where I am pressured to lie, when I am lied to, or when I see people lie to the people I love, I don’t take it lightly. I have to stop myself from getting furious with the person that do those things. Especially when they know my story and I am put in those situations. I don’t want to live a life that I have to lie about and I don’t want people in my life that I have to constantly lie for. Especially when my opinion doesn’t hold much to the people who put me in these situations. Trust is very hard for me and it is very hard to get from me. But it’s easy to lose. I believe that if you have respect for someone you won’t try to lie to them. And if you weren’t doing anything wrong then you wouldn’t have to lie about it it in the first place. And when I’m lied to or forced to lie, it hurts me more than anything else. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I try my hardest to respect people enough to tell truth. I will always try to say the truth and I will always try to say it with love.