Uncategorized

My Personal Disappointment

I am going to share some recent and not so recent events in my life that keep leaving me disappointed.

As I have talked about before, I was molested when I was 13. I’m not sure that I have talked about my family’s involvement in those events. Months beforehand, my cousin, who was 9 at the time, experienced the exact same from the same man. Mel had not only molested her, he had exposed himself to her. After him doing that, my cousin went to her mom, my aunt Cindy, and told her what he had done. My aunt proceeded to not believe her. Then after what happened to me, she finally was faced with the truth.

The years after we’re full of us trying to forgive. Forgive Mel, forgive Cindy. Forgive Mel for hurting us and to forgive Cindy for putting a man above her family. We managed to come to that point. I love my aunt Cindy. She has grown and she has taken care of me. But her living situation has not changed as much as it should have. She still has let men live in her house. She has one living there now.

Chris is my uncles childhood friend. He lives with Cindy. During his stay there, cindy has grown to care for him as they help one another. During this time, my mom and I were letting my uncle live with us as he was trying to recover from alcoholism. He had relapsed many times and we had given him many chances. It came to a point where he was refusing to stop drinking and lying about us to others in our lives.

My uncle was friends with my moms friends husband. Rita, my moms friend, was coming to my house and caring for me because I am very sick. It was a heaven sent. My uncle proceeded to lie to her husband, telling him that I was faking the severity of my illness for attention. Rita’s husband told her not to come to my house anymore because it was not necessary.

I am trying to get on disability because my illness has made it so I can’t work or go to school. My uncle doing this could have damaged this process and could have made it impossible for me to get better. We proceeded to kick him out.

My mom told my uncle and Chris that she did not want them to come to the house when she wasn’t there. He made plans to come with Chris when my mom was here so he could get his stuff. He told my mom that he wouldn’t come without her there. What does he do? He proceeds to come with Chris at 10 a.m. I’m asleep half naked in my bed. I wake up to the sound of them in my room taking the TV that he had lent me. They also proceeded to try to take things that weren’t there’s. The last time had felt that exposed and that disrespected was when I was molested. There is a man not related to me in my room, without permission, while I’m almost naked.

After my mom found out from my aunt Theresa. She called my aunt cindy and asked her why they did that. My aunt cindy knew of the rule my mom put forth, she was going to come with them, and knew that Chris and my uncle wanted and were going to disobey. She told my aunt Theresa but neglected to tell my mom. After cindy was confronted, she told my mom that “she made a decision and my mom needed to get over it.” My mom could have called me to wake up and informed me but instead my uncle and his friend were prioritized over us. Doesn’t all of this sound like it’s happened before?

Cindy neglecting to inform us about a man, and I end up in a situation that I can’t control. I end up with my privacy violated. I’m not angry in this situation. I’m frustrated and disappointed. My mom and I are constantly going out of our way to love our family and we get betrayed by them over and over again. We aren’t saints, I know that. But I would never put my family in the situations that my uncle and aunt have put us in.

So now, we have to take a step back. We have to set strict boundaries with our family. I am so utterly disappointed. I love my family but I can’t keep doing this with them.

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poetry · Uncategorized

When You Finally Die

I have never seen death 

manifest itself up close.

But I have seen worse 

happen days before.

Death, usually, 

is only cruel to the people 

you have chosen to love

and those who have chosen 

that you are worth loving back.

The days, weeks, months, years,

waiting for death are only cruel 

to the one chosen to die.

The body was made to live.

It does anything else 

it will sacrifice your sanity 

for the sake of living.

Even if it’s a life worse then death.

When it fails,

when you finally die,

you take pieces of the people you’ve 

touched, people you’ve hurt,

the people of almosts and 

the people of forever. 

You take the piece of 

yourself that you planted 

in them.

Rip every tendent. 

Leaving them all in 

critical condition 

hoping that it will heal 

correctly.

Death.

It’s complicated.

Burdening, soul wrenching.

Something to look forward to,

and end to suffering.

The beginning of grieving,

or possibly the end. 

The end and the beginning.

I’ve only seen the before 

and after.

I’ve seen people,

people who where slowly 

painfully dying.

I’ve seen a body,

motionless, heart still.

Eyes shut, never opening,

Caked in makeup, dressed

as their families want.

Both sights looking

nothing as who they truly are.

The before taking away 

their light and voice.

Not able to be how they 

truly wish to be.

The after letting the families 

put on a show, the big production.

“The lie of the one who has died.”

People showing up 

that should have showed up 

a couple heart beats earlier.

Words spoken that

should have been said

To rosy cheeks 

not cold bloodless lips. 

Death is regret.

Death is inevitable.

Death is at any moment.

Celebrate! 

We have an excuse to live.

Chronic illness

Lies Able-bodied People Believe

If this describes you read this.

Let’s talk about the myths that abled-bodied people ignorantly believe about disabled or chronically ill/ chronic pain suffering people. To make it easier to follow I’ll make it in list form.

1. “Because we are are disabled our minds don’t work correctly therefore we can’t be smart or defend ourselves and if we can, we aren’t disabled.” Okay first, there are mentally disabled people but that also doesn’t mean that they aren’t smart or that they can’t understand when you speak to them. Second, someone can be only physically disabled. That means that when you talk about that person whether they are mentally or physically disabled they can hear you and they are human just like you. Depending on the person, if they can say something, they will do something about your ignorance. And just because we can tell you to stop being an asshole doesn’t mean that all of a sudden we can walk or suddenly we are healed from our conditions. Think my friends, think.

Me, a disabled woman, traveling.

2. “Disabled/ chronically ill people can’t travel.” Travel is possible for us. It might be harder and we need accommodations but that doesn’t mean we can’t or shouldn’t! Our lives have been restricted enough so when you have a chance to live outside of your routine, you would take it. Especially if most of your life is going to be full of pain, sleeping, pills, doctors, needles, and surgery. Disabled people deserve a vacation too.

Me volunteering at Feed My Starving Children

3. “They like being sick because they like the attention.” I’m not saying that there might be some person out there like this, but I have never met someone who hasn’t been praying and crying because they can’t take this life anymore. People have committed suicide so that the pain would finally end. I don’t care if you think they are being over dramatic, they are fighting off their own body every second of everyday. Do not insult anyone going through chronic illness or disability by telling them that they enjoy feeling like they are being ripped to pieces every day because people to glance at them. Most of the time our attention is our caregivers dressing us or cleaning us or it’s people starring at us and judging us because we are parked in a disabled spot and we don’t have a wheelchair or because we have medical equipment sticking out of us and they think starring with a sick look on their face helps us with the fact that we have no choice in the matter.

Me enjoying a concert. Yes I am still disabled

4. “You are laughing and smiling so you must be fine.” Here’s something for ableists to remember, WE ARE NEVER FINE. We show you smiles and laughs because you don’t have the capacity to handle a mere description of how we feel. We never have a pain free minute. And sometime being distracted and laughing at something else helps us not focus on the fact that we are going to live like we just got hit by a train for the rest of our lives. If we lived 24/7 showing our emotions and truly feeling them, I think we would kill ourselves. 

5. “People with disabilities don’t work as well as able-bodied workers.” I’m just going to put this quote right here… “In several studies, including those previously mentioned, it was found that 91% of the workers with disabilities scored average or better when compared with the general workforce. Their attendance is also better.”

Just saying…

This is how I’m going to look at you if you speak for me.

6. “We have to talk for the disabled and chronically ill because they are just incapable.” Can I just say that when you speak for another person, you are telling them that they are not needed there and that they are useless. They know more about their lives than you do, so shut it and let them be a social being. When people start speaking for me, I make sure that they know that everything that they just said was not correct and/ or I tell them that my nervous system is broken not my mouth. We will stand up for ourselves.

I have only mascara on. You see how sexy beautiful I am. Yes I am still disabled.

7. “Disabled people are ugly and lazy.” Okay just like everyone else, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Not everyone who is disabled looks the same. Not everyone who is disabled IS the same. We have faces just like everyone else and being disabled doesn’t effect our sexiness. We wear the same clothes, we wear makeup just like you, and we come in all different shapes and sizes JUST LIKE YOU. We just want to be treated normally and also have our disabilities and illnesses respected. Just because I feel too physically sick to wash the dishes doesn’t mean that I’m choosing to lay down and pass out. Laziness is a choice of not doing your responsibilities, when it’s not a choice you can’t label me as lazy. You can label me as not able, aka disabled… See how that works?

You know how long it took me to get my hair and makeup done? It was hard and stressful. Not lazy. Yes definitely still disabled and chronically ill.

I know that there is so so much more I could mention and rant about. If you have some that I didn’t mention or you want to rant off of one of these rants, comment your hearts out below. I love hearing about your opinions and stories. Don’t be afraid to ask questions either! I just got really tired of ignorant people this week and wanted to make some things very clear.

poetry

Swipe Right


I aim to be a missed call

in 2017.

You know that my phone

is glued 

to these bloody palms.

I just didn’t swipe right.

Isn’t that what we desire?

Look at me,

see what I created for you to see,

love what I can never be, in a second,

and swipe right.

I won’t get close to anyone,

so let me get inside you,

just for tonight.

Swipe right.

Our hands are chapped from 

the friction.

It takes at the least 2 years

to know the complexity of 

ones existence,

but all you need to know about me

can fit on your phone screen.

Swipe right. 

Bloody hands from rubbed

raw finger tips.

How long can we lie?

Emotions are enevitable.

The faster you run,

the slower they slit your throat.

Humanity cannot change 

how it feels by manipulation.

There is no app for deleting 

the past.

You will sense every connection.

Swiping right 

cannot protect you.

One night will last with you

Forever. So be right.

If you believe that everlasting 

hides behind the act of

a swipe,

find it in yourself.

You think you can avoid 

loneliness by

using private parts 

and manipulation,

you fool.

Lies call you now.

They know that the phone 

is in your grasp.

The trap is set and 

all a bleeding thumb needs to do is

swipe right.

poetry

Can We Talk?


People don’t like to hear 

Other people talk.

They enjoy only the lies

That allow them 

To fornicate 

With pain, despair,

Dressed as sweet everlasting.

A chameleon, 

a cop dressed as a prostite.

A grown mans first try at

Being a woman.

Obviously something 

Trying to be what it’s not.

What it desperately 

Needs to be.

People treat the voice of 

Truth like how some

Treat Muslims.

How the nazis treat 

The Jewish.

They piece together 

Their oxymoron 

Of truth. 

And we all believe the lie.

People don’t like to hear

Other people talk.

Good thing  I 

Can never stop

Speaking.

Writing.

I’ll never shut the “ef” up.

Uncategorized

The Impact Of A Lie


When I was younger I struggled with lying. I would lie to get people in trouble, to get attention, and to keep people out of my business. I was doing terrible things to deal with my emotions and I would lie so that I wouldn’t have to stop doing them. My lies got out of control and one night everyone started finding out about my lies and my hidden vices. The amount of shame that I had, the loneliness that I felt, and the realization that I had hurt everyone I loved caused a mental breakdown. Everything that I was trying not to deal with and putting off for so long came rushing to me and I didn’t want to live with it and everything that I had done. So I tried to kill myself, but before I went through with it I told the person I hurt the most about what I was going to do. Apart of me wanted to reach out for help and he talked me down. I was hospitalized the next day. It’s been a couple years since then and I have grown. I try not to lie anymore and when I do I come clean. I love an honest life and I continue to grow with God and he helps me conquer my sins. Now I value honesty and I don’t tolerate lies. My lies almost cost me my life and when I am put in a position where I am pressured to lie, when I am lied to, or when I see people lie to the people I love, I don’t take it lightly. I have to stop myself from getting furious with the person that do those things. Especially when they know my story and I am put in those situations. I don’t want to live a life that I have to lie about and I don’t want people in my life that I have to constantly lie for. Especially when my opinion doesn’t hold much to the people who put me in these situations. Trust is very hard for me and it is very hard to get from me. But it’s easy to lose. I believe that if you have respect for someone you won’t try to lie to them. And if you weren’t doing anything wrong then you wouldn’t have to lie about it it in the first place. And when I’m lied to or forced to lie, it hurts me more than anything else. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I try my hardest to respect people enough to tell truth. I will always try to say the truth and I will always try to say it with love.